The Dating Game
I started this like two weeks ago....took me some time to decide to actually post it. Enjoy.
So for fun on this beautiful Saturday I decided that I wouldn't write about the fast food fast or anything boring like that, but I'd write about the dating scene...um, or possibly lack there of. By the way, this is dedicated to all my single girls out there who daily endure the, "why is she still single?" or "at your age you can't afford to be too picky." Lets not forget, "maybe you need to let your walls down a bit, don't be so closed off." Oh, and my favorite, "There must be something wrong with him, I mean he is really cute so why at his age is he still single?" I feel like my life is sometimes dripping with so much southern "charm" it could be a sequill to The Help entitled The Hopeless.
So before I begin this fun little countdown, I must say if you find your story in here boys....well, my personal apologies and hopefully you'll see the good hearted humor in it. After all, if we can't laugh at the awkwardness of dates well then we just need to head home. Here are the top 5 most awkward dating moments sprinkled in with some unhonorable mentions.
True stories, names have been changed to protect the ashamed... These are in no particular order.
5. I once went to meet Blade at his house. In this modern age I didn't feel like having him pick me up at my home and frankly didn't want Blade knowing were I lived just yet. (You never know when you are going to encounter a stalker). When I arrived at his door I was greeted by his dog. Just so you know Blade had referenced his dog on more than one occasion and the yappy little chiuaua type thing I met was not what I expected. Furthermore, Blade's dog proceed to pee on my shoe and then, how shall I say this politely, have "fun" with my leg. Blade pretended not to notice.
4. Jim Bob: My first date with Jim Bob was to the rodeo and waffle house, sad but true. I should have known better. But I was younger, trying to be nice, and honestly didn't quite know how to tell Jim Bob no when he asked me out for a second time. So after the date when Jim Bob took me back home all I wanted to do was run inside to avoid the inevitable hug or attempt of a kiss that was sure to follow. What happened next took me a little by surprise. As we are walking up to the door, Jim Bob says, "You look so good I just wanna tackle ya, and I reckon' I might." What did I do? I quickly said, good night and shut the door! Jim Bob as far as I know is still single.
3. Kirkinator: To this day I whole-heartedly believe I need to event a warning system for girls who fall prey to guys like the Kirkinator. These guys are perhaps best known for their ability to scope out a girl who is new to church within 5 seconds and transform into some kind of weird mutation that is so welcoming and so flattering that you are unable to see the true dark side. So after meeting this new found "friend," the Kirkinator quickly asked me to lunch and I accepted. 15 minutes into this lunch I had learned a lot about the Kirkinator's cats respectfully named after his 3 of his ex-girlfriends and that at 34 years old he spent most of his time playing Halo. Several months later after making friends with some other people in my new church I was informed of the Kirkinators ability to transform and that almost every new girl there had been subjected to the unfortunate mistake of a Kirkinator lunch or dinner.
2. Steveo: Steveo and I met at church and he seemed like a nice enough guy so I accepted his invitation to coffee one Wednesday night after church. We chatted and talked about our lives, work, backgrounds and so on. When I mentioned to Steveo that I worked for Chick-fil-A in marketing, he went on and on about how he loved Chick-fil-A. Who wouldn't, I love Chick-fil-A. The store I was working out of was right across the street and still open so I decided to impress Steveo and show him around. After giving him a tour, we were back up front at the counter and Steveo noticed a nozzle on the side of the wall. I explained to him that this particular store had a helium nozzle built into the wall for easy access for balloons, etc. The helium tank was at the back of the store and a hose ran through the ceiling and down to the nozzle. Steveo then proceeded with employees and customers watching to place his mouth entirely on the nozzle, press down, inhale, and talk a bit. After that date, I never looked at the helium nozzle the same way again.
Unhonorable Mention: The Jokester: After an evening of chatting and drinking (sweet tea) I was in great need for a restroom break and was honestly looking to end the evening. It had been fun, but I was ready to go home...in all reality, he probably was too. So I asked if it would be okay if I went to the restroom. His reply, "Nope, what do you think that empty cup is for!" I'm sure he laughed out loud in his own head...#thatawkwardmomentwhenyoudon'tknowwhattosay
1. Army boy: Now this one is more on me than the poor guy. One year while home for Christmas I was going to meet up with a guy for coffee and donuts. I'd recently come through this stage of frustration at our tradition church ways, especially here in the good ol' Bible Belt. My latest silly soapbox was my lack of understanding of those who got so uptight if meals, drinks and even rolls were not prayed over. Now please don't misunderstand, the word tells us to give thanks in all things but don't dare for second act like you are going to die if you forget to pray over the bread!
So as Army boy and I ordered our coffee, donuts and set down, I had just taken a sip of coffee and was ready to chow down on a donut when he asked if he could pray. I awkwardly and almost losing my coffee asked, "Pray? Over the donuts?" "Blahahahahah!" Yes, I laughed in his face over the fact that he wanted to pray over the donuts. After quickly seeing that he wasn't as humored by this situation, no in fact he was down right confused, I shut my mouth and bowed my head. Army boy has since fallen off the radar.
Unhonorable Mention: Down on Bended Knee: One sunday afternoon I was out with Hikerman on a nice little nature walk. I didn't know we were going hiking so I had on flipflops. But, the trail wasn't so bad...or so I thought so I didn't really complain. As we were coming down a small slope for some reason my ankle rolled and I found my self on one knee. I was behind him so as he turned around here I am on one knee. What made it worse was that I thought he was turning around to help me so I extended my hand upwards. He in turn thought I was asking for more than just a little help. Hikerman, was only able to get out the words, "I, um, I um.... I'm so sorry..I, I, I'm just not ready for that." I quickly tried to convince him I had only rolled my ankle, but I don't think he every really believed me.
Some day, one day, (for Laurie)
Beautiful Feet
So for fun on this beautiful Saturday I decided that I wouldn't write about the fast food fast or anything boring like that, but I'd write about the dating scene...um, or possibly lack there of. By the way, this is dedicated to all my single girls out there who daily endure the, "why is she still single?" or "at your age you can't afford to be too picky." Lets not forget, "maybe you need to let your walls down a bit, don't be so closed off." Oh, and my favorite, "There must be something wrong with him, I mean he is really cute so why at his age is he still single?" I feel like my life is sometimes dripping with so much southern "charm" it could be a sequill to The Help entitled The Hopeless.
So before I begin this fun little countdown, I must say if you find your story in here boys....well, my personal apologies and hopefully you'll see the good hearted humor in it. After all, if we can't laugh at the awkwardness of dates well then we just need to head home. Here are the top 5 most awkward dating moments sprinkled in with some unhonorable mentions.
True stories, names have been changed to protect the ashamed... These are in no particular order.
5. I once went to meet Blade at his house. In this modern age I didn't feel like having him pick me up at my home and frankly didn't want Blade knowing were I lived just yet. (You never know when you are going to encounter a stalker). When I arrived at his door I was greeted by his dog. Just so you know Blade had referenced his dog on more than one occasion and the yappy little chiuaua type thing I met was not what I expected. Furthermore, Blade's dog proceed to pee on my shoe and then, how shall I say this politely, have "fun" with my leg. Blade pretended not to notice.
4. Jim Bob: My first date with Jim Bob was to the rodeo and waffle house, sad but true. I should have known better. But I was younger, trying to be nice, and honestly didn't quite know how to tell Jim Bob no when he asked me out for a second time. So after the date when Jim Bob took me back home all I wanted to do was run inside to avoid the inevitable hug or attempt of a kiss that was sure to follow. What happened next took me a little by surprise. As we are walking up to the door, Jim Bob says, "You look so good I just wanna tackle ya, and I reckon' I might." What did I do? I quickly said, good night and shut the door! Jim Bob as far as I know is still single.
3. Kirkinator: To this day I whole-heartedly believe I need to event a warning system for girls who fall prey to guys like the Kirkinator. These guys are perhaps best known for their ability to scope out a girl who is new to church within 5 seconds and transform into some kind of weird mutation that is so welcoming and so flattering that you are unable to see the true dark side. So after meeting this new found "friend," the Kirkinator quickly asked me to lunch and I accepted. 15 minutes into this lunch I had learned a lot about the Kirkinator's cats respectfully named after his 3 of his ex-girlfriends and that at 34 years old he spent most of his time playing Halo. Several months later after making friends with some other people in my new church I was informed of the Kirkinators ability to transform and that almost every new girl there had been subjected to the unfortunate mistake of a Kirkinator lunch or dinner.
2. Steveo: Steveo and I met at church and he seemed like a nice enough guy so I accepted his invitation to coffee one Wednesday night after church. We chatted and talked about our lives, work, backgrounds and so on. When I mentioned to Steveo that I worked for Chick-fil-A in marketing, he went on and on about how he loved Chick-fil-A. Who wouldn't, I love Chick-fil-A. The store I was working out of was right across the street and still open so I decided to impress Steveo and show him around. After giving him a tour, we were back up front at the counter and Steveo noticed a nozzle on the side of the wall. I explained to him that this particular store had a helium nozzle built into the wall for easy access for balloons, etc. The helium tank was at the back of the store and a hose ran through the ceiling and down to the nozzle. Steveo then proceeded with employees and customers watching to place his mouth entirely on the nozzle, press down, inhale, and talk a bit. After that date, I never looked at the helium nozzle the same way again.
Unhonorable Mention: The Jokester: After an evening of chatting and drinking (sweet tea) I was in great need for a restroom break and was honestly looking to end the evening. It had been fun, but I was ready to go home...in all reality, he probably was too. So I asked if it would be okay if I went to the restroom. His reply, "Nope, what do you think that empty cup is for!" I'm sure he laughed out loud in his own head...#thatawkwardmomentwhenyoudon'tknowwhattosay
1. Army boy: Now this one is more on me than the poor guy. One year while home for Christmas I was going to meet up with a guy for coffee and donuts. I'd recently come through this stage of frustration at our tradition church ways, especially here in the good ol' Bible Belt. My latest silly soapbox was my lack of understanding of those who got so uptight if meals, drinks and even rolls were not prayed over. Now please don't misunderstand, the word tells us to give thanks in all things but don't dare for second act like you are going to die if you forget to pray over the bread!
So as Army boy and I ordered our coffee, donuts and set down, I had just taken a sip of coffee and was ready to chow down on a donut when he asked if he could pray. I awkwardly and almost losing my coffee asked, "Pray? Over the donuts?" "Blahahahahah!" Yes, I laughed in his face over the fact that he wanted to pray over the donuts. After quickly seeing that he wasn't as humored by this situation, no in fact he was down right confused, I shut my mouth and bowed my head. Army boy has since fallen off the radar.
Unhonorable Mention: Down on Bended Knee: One sunday afternoon I was out with Hikerman on a nice little nature walk. I didn't know we were going hiking so I had on flipflops. But, the trail wasn't so bad...or so I thought so I didn't really complain. As we were coming down a small slope for some reason my ankle rolled and I found my self on one knee. I was behind him so as he turned around here I am on one knee. What made it worse was that I thought he was turning around to help me so I extended my hand upwards. He in turn thought I was asking for more than just a little help. Hikerman, was only able to get out the words, "I, um, I um.... I'm so sorry..I, I, I'm just not ready for that." I quickly tried to convince him I had only rolled my ankle, but I don't think he every really believed me.
Some day, one day, (for Laurie)
Beautiful Feet
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