Where Have You Been? Part 1
It has been almost 6 months since I've written a blog. I've had many reasons for not writing, but most of them have honestly been superficial and prideful. In the last 6 months I married, moved, my now husband began work in a new ministry...yada yada yada. (Yup, Neal... I just yada yadaed over all that!) I swore up and down and quite frankly ran my mouth about how I would NOT write lovey-dovey stuff on marriage! I also promised myself I'd never write about how "hard" marriage is...I phrase I had heard over and over again in my 30 plus ;) years of singleness and absolutely detested. Funny how all those things you said you'd never do, feel, say, etc. suddenly become very real and understandable.... But the problem was that my whole life had changed and I was suddenly far removed from living over-seas Whitney to now minister's wife, full-time working in an office setting- Americanized Whitney! I felt like I didn't have anything to write or say or at least anything to say that I hadn't promised I'd never say. Hah! There seemed to be an even bigger problem than just being removed from foreigner/expat living. The bigger problem was that somewhere along the way I had lost my joy and my love for people. My bubbly extroverted personality had turned introverted, very private, and sad. I was bitter. Bitter toward people, life, the American church and everyone in it. I was even quite bitter toward Americans in general; prejudice toward my own people. I had spent time in a land of utter darkness, with no hope and people dying all around both physically and spiritually and I had relished in that. I had not let go of my grief for the nations and had replaced joy with a bitterness and would even go so far as to use the word hate for others.
Coming to that realization started around 6 months ago, shortly before I married Bryan. I knew I had lost my joy, knew I was different but couldn't quite figure out why or how or what exactly needed to change. And then I got married in September and began to learn just how passionate my husband is about everything! Football, good cookin', his family, his wife, Slingerland drums... but most of all he is passionate about Jesus. I, on the other hand had lost my passion for just about everything. Looking at Bryan in the mirror reflected a love and zeal for Christ, looking at Whitney in the mirror simply did not. So I continued to ask, what's wrong with me? Where's my joy? How had I become so introverted? So tired? I had always heard that marriage would make you more like Christ and often in difficult ways. It would compound your flaws and sins and really make those apparent. I love how John Mark Comer wrote about marriage revealing your true self.
"That’s why marriage is humbling. I thought I was a pretty decent guy—and then I got married. Turns out I’m kind of a toolshed. It’s easy to be a decent guy when you live in a bubble. But when you step into marriage, your true colors bleed out. It’s like squeezing a sponge. Whatever is on the inside comes out, for better or for worse."
I was a sponge that had soaked up bitterness and let it overtake any good and it was all starting to come out. I needed a new sponge or at least a good cleansing from all the junk inside. Two weeks after we got home from our honeymoon, Bryan started his new job and ministry at church and little did I know the transition was going to squeeze my little sponge a whole lot more. The girl who hated the American church was now promptly planted in one. I knew Bryan had been called to his place of ministry but in my mind that was just it, it was his place. I'd often hear myself say, "I know for sure Bryan was called here." Never did I say, "I know we were called here. I know this is our church." So it layered and layered and layered. I proceeded to keep others at arms-length and close myself off. But I was fine. I had my Jesus, my husband and my family. I didn't need anything else and especially not love and fellowship from a group of Americans. Unfortunately, my distaste extended beyond the church to the community and others as a whole. What made it worse was I had no desire to give anyone who had such open freedoms, such ability to walk into any church, to purchase a Bible, to live in light the time of day. In my mind they were all wretched and sinful people not worthy of the Gospel. After all if they wanted it, they had access to it.
Pride, bitterness, hate, I had it all. And for all intensive purposes I was Jonah and I knew it. Suddenly, my feet didn't look so beautiful.
To be continued...
Coming to that realization started around 6 months ago, shortly before I married Bryan. I knew I had lost my joy, knew I was different but couldn't quite figure out why or how or what exactly needed to change. And then I got married in September and began to learn just how passionate my husband is about everything! Football, good cookin', his family, his wife, Slingerland drums... but most of all he is passionate about Jesus. I, on the other hand had lost my passion for just about everything. Looking at Bryan in the mirror reflected a love and zeal for Christ, looking at Whitney in the mirror simply did not. So I continued to ask, what's wrong with me? Where's my joy? How had I become so introverted? So tired? I had always heard that marriage would make you more like Christ and often in difficult ways. It would compound your flaws and sins and really make those apparent. I love how John Mark Comer wrote about marriage revealing your true self.
"That’s why marriage is humbling. I thought I was a pretty decent guy—and then I got married. Turns out I’m kind of a toolshed. It’s easy to be a decent guy when you live in a bubble. But when you step into marriage, your true colors bleed out. It’s like squeezing a sponge. Whatever is on the inside comes out, for better or for worse."
I was a sponge that had soaked up bitterness and let it overtake any good and it was all starting to come out. I needed a new sponge or at least a good cleansing from all the junk inside. Two weeks after we got home from our honeymoon, Bryan started his new job and ministry at church and little did I know the transition was going to squeeze my little sponge a whole lot more. The girl who hated the American church was now promptly planted in one. I knew Bryan had been called to his place of ministry but in my mind that was just it, it was his place. I'd often hear myself say, "I know for sure Bryan was called here." Never did I say, "I know we were called here. I know this is our church." So it layered and layered and layered. I proceeded to keep others at arms-length and close myself off. But I was fine. I had my Jesus, my husband and my family. I didn't need anything else and especially not love and fellowship from a group of Americans. Unfortunately, my distaste extended beyond the church to the community and others as a whole. What made it worse was I had no desire to give anyone who had such open freedoms, such ability to walk into any church, to purchase a Bible, to live in light the time of day. In my mind they were all wretched and sinful people not worthy of the Gospel. After all if they wanted it, they had access to it.
Pride, bitterness, hate, I had it all. And for all intensive purposes I was Jonah and I knew it. Suddenly, my feet didn't look so beautiful.
To be continued...
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