Where Have You Been? Part 2
January and February hit me hard! Call it Seasonal Disorder, call it the Winter Blues, whatever... Work was undesirable and a disaster on a personal level. In addition to that, most nights and Sundays ended in tears. I even began to close myself off to my co-workers and those closest to me. One Saturday I had the house all to myself and thought I'd spend some real quality time with the Father. I really cried out to Him knowing I was miserable and in trouble. Only a few times in my life have I "heard" and clearly understood the voice of God...and this was one I was going to be able to add to the list. It was one word He spoke, and it was "PRIDE." Pride. Pride? Oh no God, not me. I'm not arrogant or prideful. It simply can not be. I know people who are prideful, I'm not those people. His word I chose to ignore.
But the funkiness I was in and the emotions and closed-off attitude got worse and quick. We had planned to have a revival or sorts at the church where Bryan was working and the days leading up to it were awful. "Awaken Me," they were calling it and I personally had every criticism and negative take on it possible. I wanted nothing to do with this special weekend and whatever was planned. Looking back, it is amazing to me how Satan works and how he works through wives and loved ones to influence others, especially husbands!
So here I was on a Friday afternoon with a choice, to go or not to go. I knew I needed to support Bryan and that was the only reason I was going. As soon as I arrived, there was a crowd and people and everyone asking how I was doing. Between the emotions and the crowd, new people, and a request that I wear a name tag (silly I know) I nearly had a full blown panic attack. Somehow after some prayer with Bryan, I was able to contain my emotions and attend the service. The first night's topic was on none other than pride. The very word God had spoken to me at home a few weeks prior. A simple sheet of paper was given as a handout on pride. In one column it listed attributes or actions of prideful people and the other listed characteristics of broken or humble people. I related or could claim about 90% of the prideful column! I looked at it, put it aside and went through the service. That night I picked it up again and began to really read through the list. So on Saturday morning I began praying through each item. I asked God for forgiveness and for a change on the ones I could and for help working through the ones I couldn't even process yet. That's how bad it was. I was so prideful that there were actions on there like self-sufficiency and being independent that I couldn't even ask forgiveness for! Know what I'm talking about? You want to but you can't quite force yourself to say your sorry or ask for forgiveness. So I had to ask Him to help me to want to want forgiveness. To be honest, I'm still working through some of those.
The amazing thing about God's mercy and grace is that with a true heart the relief is immediate and overwhelming. I really feel like the moment I began working through that list, God lifted so much and I was just so free. Free from hate, bitterness, pride, depression, lack of love... I could go on and on. Not only could I just breath, but He began to show me other things. Revealing where all this junk had started and the whys and hows was something only God could do. I had to ask for God's forgiveness and I had to ask others to forgive me too. By the end of the "Awaken Me" time at church I was exhausted. I felt like I'd been in heart/spiritual rehab. It was work and it hurt but I had seen God work and my heart changed. I had glimpses of joy, peace, hope and even love for others.
Like any other person, I've still have some rehab to do. He is still working. But I cannot express what it's like to round the bend, see the light, feel freedom and joy again. In some ways I think I will always be a Jonah, struggling and learning. I am just as stiffnecked as the people I am told to go to and even as prideful if not more. For me it takes great storms and possibly even the belly of a whale to get me to be obedient, but I am thankful that God chooses to go to great lengths to get His children's attention. Not only for the sake of the Jonahs of the world but also for the sake of others.
I don't tell this story for anyone to be heartbroken or sad. I really cannot say for sure why I decided to share it other than that it is my story, my testimony and hopefully a reflection of God's love and grace. These beautiful feet are on a journey and have a long way to go, but hopefully now they can walk with a little bit more humility, a bit more joy and a lot more love for others; a love lost in His love.
Perfect submission, all is at rest,
I in my Savior am happy and blest;
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.
This is my story
This is my song
Praising my Savior
All the day long
But the funkiness I was in and the emotions and closed-off attitude got worse and quick. We had planned to have a revival or sorts at the church where Bryan was working and the days leading up to it were awful. "Awaken Me," they were calling it and I personally had every criticism and negative take on it possible. I wanted nothing to do with this special weekend and whatever was planned. Looking back, it is amazing to me how Satan works and how he works through wives and loved ones to influence others, especially husbands!
So here I was on a Friday afternoon with a choice, to go or not to go. I knew I needed to support Bryan and that was the only reason I was going. As soon as I arrived, there was a crowd and people and everyone asking how I was doing. Between the emotions and the crowd, new people, and a request that I wear a name tag (silly I know) I nearly had a full blown panic attack. Somehow after some prayer with Bryan, I was able to contain my emotions and attend the service. The first night's topic was on none other than pride. The very word God had spoken to me at home a few weeks prior. A simple sheet of paper was given as a handout on pride. In one column it listed attributes or actions of prideful people and the other listed characteristics of broken or humble people. I related or could claim about 90% of the prideful column! I looked at it, put it aside and went through the service. That night I picked it up again and began to really read through the list. So on Saturday morning I began praying through each item. I asked God for forgiveness and for a change on the ones I could and for help working through the ones I couldn't even process yet. That's how bad it was. I was so prideful that there were actions on there like self-sufficiency and being independent that I couldn't even ask forgiveness for! Know what I'm talking about? You want to but you can't quite force yourself to say your sorry or ask for forgiveness. So I had to ask Him to help me to want to want forgiveness. To be honest, I'm still working through some of those.
The amazing thing about God's mercy and grace is that with a true heart the relief is immediate and overwhelming. I really feel like the moment I began working through that list, God lifted so much and I was just so free. Free from hate, bitterness, pride, depression, lack of love... I could go on and on. Not only could I just breath, but He began to show me other things. Revealing where all this junk had started and the whys and hows was something only God could do. I had to ask for God's forgiveness and I had to ask others to forgive me too. By the end of the "Awaken Me" time at church I was exhausted. I felt like I'd been in heart/spiritual rehab. It was work and it hurt but I had seen God work and my heart changed. I had glimpses of joy, peace, hope and even love for others.
Like any other person, I've still have some rehab to do. He is still working. But I cannot express what it's like to round the bend, see the light, feel freedom and joy again. In some ways I think I will always be a Jonah, struggling and learning. I am just as stiffnecked as the people I am told to go to and even as prideful if not more. For me it takes great storms and possibly even the belly of a whale to get me to be obedient, but I am thankful that God chooses to go to great lengths to get His children's attention. Not only for the sake of the Jonahs of the world but also for the sake of others.
I don't tell this story for anyone to be heartbroken or sad. I really cannot say for sure why I decided to share it other than that it is my story, my testimony and hopefully a reflection of God's love and grace. These beautiful feet are on a journey and have a long way to go, but hopefully now they can walk with a little bit more humility, a bit more joy and a lot more love for others; a love lost in His love.
Perfect submission, all is at rest,
I in my Savior am happy and blest;
Watching and waiting, looking above,
Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.
This is my story
This is my song
Praising my Savior
All the day long
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