I Struggle Part 1

I struggle...and please whatever you do, don't put me on a pedestal. Please, just don't.

Before moving to Osaka in March, many of our Japanese friends told us of how we'd love Osaka. "The people are so friendly," they exclaimed, "So lively and exciting." I had high expectations for Osakans. Since we've lived in Osaka, I can't say the people here are more friendly but rather more open. Don't get me wrong, we do like our city but my expectations were vastly different from reality. The people in our city are open...open with their opinions, expressions, feelings...good or bad. Open to tell you what they think, give dirty, snobby looks, stare and even at times push you out of the way. In the Tokyo area where Takasaki is, we very rarely encountered these issues. Oh, I'm sure there were individuals who didn't like us, felt we were being too loud, or perceived our actions as wrong or rude but they would not have dared to express those thoughts. For many Japanese, to keep your thoughts inside and not express, vocalize or act on them is a means of being good or righteous. I quickly found this rule didn't apply in Osaka. 

A few weeks ago when I was heading home, I had made the mistake of buying groceries near another station about 20 minutes by train from our house. I don't typically do this as carrying bags of groceries isn't exactly fun and if I can by groceries closer to the house it is easier and less heavy bags to walk home with. But for some reason that day I decided to kill two birds with one stone so that I wouldn't have to go back out. You know the old, I'm exhausted from a day of work but I'm going to swing by Kroger anyway and knock this list out. 

I had a backpack full of textbooks and two bags in each hand. Thankfully the train wasn't crowded and I was able to find a double seat. One seat to sit in and one to sit the bags in as they wouldn't fit at my feet. After a few minutes a business man came and asked if he could sit in the seat in which I had my bags. I was a little annoyed but in all honesty it wasn't right for me to take up two seats. I grabbed the bags and placed all four in my lap for the rest of the journey home. By the time I arrived at the station before my station the train had become quite crowded and I thought I probably needed to go ahead and navigate my way to the doors so as to not miss my stop. This was going to be tricky anyway but with a backpack and four bags of groceries I knew I'd need extra time. 

So as I went to get up, it was very apparent that I wasn't going to be able to get out of the window seat without the business man moving. He'd have to physically stand in order to let me by...but he wouldn't. I asked nicely the first few times and he simply acted as if he was sleepy or too tired to get up. I was beginning to get panicky and angered. He just wouldn't move. And as I looked up that is when I saw that everyone was staring at me, the foreigner. The one making a fuss, getting a bit louder by the moment and no one was willing to help. I felt both embarrassment, shame and anger all at once.

As I literally climbed over the man and headed for the door, tears flooded by eyes. I wanted to kick, scream, cuss (yes, I said that) and just crawl into a ball and cry. It was by far the worst culture moment I've had here. It isn't a normal occurrence but it is normal that no one was willing to help. As I came out of the station and noticed it raining, I went to grab my umbrella that Bryan had recently purchased as a birthday gift only to realize it was gone. In the chaos and my rush to get off the train, I had left it in my seat. That is when I lost it completely. The day had just been more than I could take and I was done. 

In that moment, I didn't care about sharing Christ with anyone. I was full of anger, hate for the the culture, the people, that man. In that moment you might as well have renamed me Jonah. Japan isn't my home and I often struggle with the days here. Facebook, Instagram, the newsletter look pretty don't they? However, more often than not, I find myself counting down the days to go back to America. Praying that the Lord will change my heart, my attitude. Days where sin and humanity slap me in the face, the days I miss my Tennessee home, the days were I don't "feel" the Holy Spirit. I'm human, I hurt, I have pride and shame...I have sin. I struggle with my calling, doubts about the Father's goodness and faithfulness as well as who I am as a wife, sister, daughter, friend, and sharer of the Good News. A good 90% of the time I feel as if I'm failing as a laborer here. I know that God has called us to Japan, at least for this season, but it is difficult and some days unbearable. In the dark, in the night I often find it hard to trust and obey.

I don't write these stories for compassion, sympathy or affirmation. I write because I know in my heart everyone struggles. No matter where you are in life, what season or location... it can be a daily or even minute by minute battle. And if I'm honest, I write for a little bit of therapy too; it is good for the soul. But please whatever you do, don't place me on a pedestal. This work isn't a climb up the Christian success ladder from Sunday School teacher, to ministry leader, to pastor's wife, to this. That isn't how it works. Actual, I think God takes the most prideful, insecure and sin filled individuals who need the most work and calls them to mission work. It is here that I have no choice but to struggle through the darkness and to muddle through what really is His faithfulness. 

"The fact that our heart yearns for something Earth can't supply is proof that Heaven must be our home." C.S. Lewis

Beautiful Feet