I Struggle Part 2

We recently returned home from a vacation trip to Singapore and Malaysia. I promise I'll post pictures soon. I love travel! We live fairly close to the airport here in Osaka and I so enjoy watching the planes come and go. I marvel at aviation. It is truly an amazing and incredible invention. The things that you can see from the air! God's creation on display in a way we never see from below. It is inspiring and beautiful. I've probably taken hundreds of pictures from the air.

Only one problem, flying terrifies me. Absolutely terrifies me. Isn't that a bit ironic, an "m" worker living overseas that struggles with flying. I probably developed this issue around age 24, maybe earlier, I can't remember but it seems to only have worsened with age. Days leading up to long flights are especially stressful, nerve-racking, and full of worry. Flying usually ends with me in tears, panicky, and even wondering how I'm going to get through the flight. It isn't pretty, but it is real. 

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 6:31

I know as a believer in Jesus Christ that God is faithful. I know that prayer works and trust me I pray A LOT before and during flights. However, I also know that the world is broken and our good God allows really bad, horrible things to happen...and this is where the intersection and my faith and reality lie. The battle with fear can overtake my mind and emotions. Several years ago I walked into a restaurant that was made to look like the inside of an airplane. My stomach dropped and my heart began to beat rapidly. It shocked me and unnerved me so badly that I started crying. It was then I knew I had a problem. (But seriously, who makes the inside of a restaurant to look like an airplane..stop! Just stop). 

I have a dear friend who is afraid of cancer and sickness, her father passed away several years ago and the thought of her leaving her children behind can almost cripple her. We talk about it often, try to encourage one another, pray and find real ways to cope. A close relative of mine is afraid of being out on the water, traveling by boat. Others are afraid of small spaces, car wrecks, all kinds of things that plague our mind. 

"For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, "Do not fear: I will help you.”" Isaiah 41:13

As Bryan and I were walking off the jetway of another safe flight, I looked around at all the Japanese. With less than 1% having a relationship with Jesus Christ, I knew that probably not a single person on that flight was a Believer other than the two of us. And in that moment I was ashamed. I have something none of them have...a Savior, Friend, Protector and Healer. A real, powerful, true God who is good and righteous and is in control of every moment of my life. I know that according to God's word, He will give me peace and no matter how or when I die I will see my Savior face to face. And yet, here I was, the one with fear. And why? Why do I fear? 

I've spent a good amount of time thinking about this question in the past several days. I think I've come up with an answer. A real answer. 

Why do I fear? Because I doubt. Because my faith in God isn't as firm or strong as I'd like to believe it is. Do you know what happens on those flights? My mind is attacked and I question EVERYTHING I believe. What if God isn't big enough, powerful enough to save me? What if prayer doesn't work? What if all of what I believe isn't real? What if I die and it is painful and horrible and all my worst fears come true? What if I'm not really a Believer. Gulp. Everything I live for, my purpose, my faith, the reason I take these dumb flights... I question it all. I've come to realize my faith is so, so very shallow and small. And no matter how many Christian songs about fear are on my playlist or how many prayers or Scriptures I quote and pray, the fear remains. 

"For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7

Pretty bleak, huh? It is these thoughts and feelings I wrestle with almost daily. My husband recently reminded me that even Christ Himself struggled. In the garden, He begged God to take away the cup, take away the pain...He questioned. On the cross He questioned even more asking God, His Father why He had forsaken Him. The fear of the cross became a reality, but first it was a battle within Christ's mind and body. To doubt and struggle is to be like Christ. So I guess my prayer is this...God strengthen my faith. Strength my trust and hope in You. I want to fully trust in what I say I believe.  Please know I pray this timidly knowing that those with great faith have walked through enormous trials. Asking God to strengthen and grow your trust is like asking to be put on a tightrope. Yet, it is all I can do. 

"You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. 

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it. 

Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?" Psalm 139:5-7

My hope is that someday when I'm old and gray and on my death bed I have perfect peace, joy, and have a faith in my Savior that holds no fear. I recently heard a poem by Presbyterian missionary E.H Hamilton titled "Afraid of What?". Hamilton, a missionary to China during great turmoil in the 1930's, was inspired to pen this poem after the martyrdom of fellow worker J.W. Vinson. My favorite line states, "Afraid to see the Saviour’s face, to hear His welcome, and to trace, the glory gleam from wounds of grace, afraid of that?"

Afraid? Of What? 
To feel the spirit’s glad release?
To pass from pain to perfect peace,
The strife and strain of life to cease?
Afraid? Of that?

Afraid? Of What?
Afraid to see the Saviour’s face,
To hear His welcome, and to trace,
The glory gleam from wounds of grace,
Afraid? Of that?

Afraid? Of What?
A flash – a crash – a pierced heart;
Brief darkness – Light – O Heaven’s art!
A wound of His a counterpart!
Afraid? Of that?

Afraid? Of What?
To enter into Heaven’s rest,
And yet to serve the Master blessed?
From service good to service best?
Afraid? Of that?

Afraid? Of What?
To do by death what life could not –
Baptise with blood a stony plot,
Till souls shall blossom from that spot?
Afraid? Of that?

 When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. 

In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. Psalm 56:3-4

Beautiful Feet