I've been here longer than I wanted...

We left Japan on April 19, in the middle of this "unprecedented," "super-weird," "pandemic" time... And wouldn't you like to hear those words one more time? Unprecedented, weird, pandemic, historic, etc. Actually, I think we'd all be better off if those words were to go away and not return for quite sometime.

It is now July. I guess in my small, optimistic brain I thought I'd be back in my Japan "home" by now. Don't get me wrong, I love America. Even with all its problems, sins, issues and unending opinions, it is the home of my family, my heart language, my culture and people. I mean let's be real, it is the home of Chick-fil-A, need I say more? America in some ways is so much more peaceful and more simple. It is full of grace, light, and conveniences that the rest of the world cannot even begin to comprehend. It is full of diversity, color, opportunity and hope. Even with all its problems and issues, daily people from around the world flock to its shores, eager for the American life of freedom. 

And yet, here I sit longing to get back to the place and the culture that so often led me to frustration and discouragement. We are truly a discontented people...or at least I am. In the older version of the movie The Lion King there is a scene were the little bird, Zazu is trapped in the hyena's cage and he screams, "let me out! let me out!" and then we see Timon being chased by the hyenas yelling, "let me in! let me in!". I've had flashbacks of that scene for months now realizing how fickle my heart is, how selfish my preferences and desire for what I want. 

How many days did I looooong to leave Japan. Would have slapped my own momma for some Chick-fil-A or Cracker Barrel, sorry Mom. Tears of frustration and anger over Japanese culture or language mistakes at the market...oh to have it all in English, in my own comfort. If I'm honest there were times I pleaded with God to send me home, change this journey. And yet here I am in America, missing the comforts of my life and rhythms in Japan. Will I ever be content?

Please don't misunderstand why we came back. It was a hard decision, one full of prayer, and requesting wisdom from peers and those in our life in positions of authority. Even stepping on that plane, I wasn't sure if we'd made the right decision. I'd never thought about a sibling being in a life or death situation. We had never talked about what we'd do. I'd wanted to go back and return but not this way, not for this.

Not even a week after we returned, the Lord saw fit to heal my brother. God truly had a plan and He made known He isn't done with my brother's life. However, still I sometimes question if we had made the right decision, split seconds of regret. Did we give up? Did others think we just ran away or threw in the towel? As each month has passed with your monthly anniversary date of how long we've been in Japan, I felt like a failure. A four year term...oh but wait, they had that gap in the middle in America. All the thoughts. 

And yet, in those moments, I'm reminded of the scenes in my memory of seeing my family's face and knowing it might not have been so much for my brother, but rather for my dad or mom. I realized how important it is support family and just be there in encouragement with physical presence. And then again, it might have been for my growth, our need for encouragement and support. I wise man once told me that "God doesn't play Chess on a two dimensional board like we do, not even in three dimensions, but His moves and plans effect His children on multiple levels. Imagine a seven layer or more Chess board." 

So here we are and here we wait. Tomorrow the borders could open back up or we could be in America for another six months. I ponder and doubt. Did He send us back home for good? Is there a bigger reason we are here? I cannot make plans, I don't know the future. It could be a frustrating state of mind...but I can't fully let my mind go there. To go there would be chaos. Instead I trust, I wait, I pray...I hope. We struggle in our calling and I realize that I don't know His ways or thoughts. I'm reminded of the verse in Proverbs that talks about hope deferred makes a heart sick. You don't have to convince we of this, I'm living it. Be it here or there Lord, please move and work...my heart is sick. 

I'm embarrassed of my complaints when I have brothers and sisters and colleagues from around the world who literally cannot return to their homes, ever. They are displaced in foreign lands, in America, in missionary and family homes without future plans. Praying, waiting, hoping. I wonder if this is a glimpse of what it feels like to be displaced after a disaster or tragedy. So much to process and ponder. 

I've been here in America longer than I wanted and yet, the older I get the more I realize that I've been in this world longer than I wanted. Broken, sin-filled, not my home, discontented, restless world. C.S. Lewis has a beautiful quote... “Our Heavenly Father has provided many delightful inns for us along our journey, but He takes great care to see that we do not mistake any of them for home.” I am not comfortable, and although I'm supposed to strive for contentment, I'm not so sure that I will not ever be content until I'm truly home. 

Beautiful Feet